The Enemy

Hello!

Yes, I know it's only been three days since last I posted a lovely chunk of incoherent rambling, but I got all out of sync with my organisation last week and if I don't start obeying the timetable of my own creation, it will surely come to life and kill me. So for the sake of my mortal soul, just deal with it, okay? Anyway, I come bearing solid life advice; you would do well to heed it.

The other week, I wanted to brush my teeth before I went out, but also had to watch the end of an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I thought, what the hell, I'll just start brushing my teeth here in my room; the show will be finished before I am and I can hock my loogie in the sink.

I've always been the kinda gal who likes to wet my toothbrush both before AND after the application of the toothpaste, but that day I had to dry brush. And you know what? It didn't make a difference.

But I realised after a couple of days that it DOES make a difference. Do you know how many antelopes could bathe in those short bursts of water you use every time you wet your brush? Approximately 0.62. Do you know how many antelope die of not bathing each day? Approximately all of them.

So the next time you think about wetting your toothbrush before and after you apply the old fashioned paste we call 'tooth', think about this:

As you can see, this antelope is filthy and also dead. And you're to blame.

THE END.

The Forgotten Title

So, I didn't get chance to write a blog on Sunday during the 2 hours I had scheduled, because I was really busy helping orphans and organising my filopastryfax* - efficient AND delicient. If anyone wants to buy one from me, they're retailing at around seventy ones pound and ninety 6 pee. Christmas is a busy time though, so get in quick!

I don't really have an awful lot to say this week. I had a filling done in April and it cracked this week while I was snacking on a filopastryfax, so now I have to trail all the way home to have it replaced NOT free of charge probably, which is most indecent. Especially since I read an article about youth unemployment this morning and the figure is quite horrifying. My face looked something like this:

**

But then I realised two things:
1) By the time I finish this degree, I'll be 25 and no longer classed as "youth", which means I'll almost definitely get a job, because all grown ups have jobs like astronaut and minicab driver and prostitute. If not, I have the option of becoming an alcoholic. Since this torturous "illness" is a classed as a "disability", it means I can live off the state for the rest of my life, get money and healthcare for nothing and in turn bleed the country dry, furthering youth unemployment in this precious time of recession.
2) I recently invented the famed filopastryfax and if that doesn't make me a million within the next year, I've no idea what will!

Yeah, so when I said I didn't have an awful lot to say, for once I wasn't lying. Tune in next week for details of my border collieflower!

OVER AND OUT!


*Filopastryfax is a figment of my imagination. If you are interested in purchasing a filopastryfax, send me your monies and I will burrow into your mind to plant the figment tree there also. In 6-8 weeks the figment tree will have sprouted many wonderful imaginings and you will have access to your filopastryfax.

**I have never read "Rage Comics" or any of its affiliates.

A Plane Flies Low

Now then, now then. << A little tribute to Jimmy Saville there, God rest his soul.

 My my, hasn't a lot happened since I last wrote a blog?! The answer is yes, a lot HAS happened since I last wrote a blog and I'm going to talk about a few of these things.

 1) I've been thinking a lot lately about the way some people say, "Can I have a tad bit more?" and how much this syntactic indiscretion really pisses me off. Why don't people understand that a "tad" and a "bit" are the same thing? SYNONYMS YOU ARSEHOLES!! You only need to use one!

 2) My nails are getting quite long, could really do with cutting them. Will probably do that once I've finished writing this.

 3) Kim Kardashian got divorced after just 72 days of wedded bliss. Oh, what's that? You DIDN'T need or want to know that?? Well me neither, so maybe news websites could stop reporting this horseshit and concentrate on people who exist for reasons beyond promiscuity and excruciatingly idiotic life choices.

 4) Gaddafi died. Did you know that? Oh but you MUST have seen the pictures since they were forced down our throats like caster oil. If you don't understand this similie allow me to elaborate: caster oil is disgusting and completely unnecessary and can often result in fecal incontinence when ingested. I was comparing it to the butchered images of a human, albeit an undeniably evil human, that were printed in the news as though they were real Kodak moments. What IS the world coming to? An end, that's my guess.

 5) Halloween happened. I believe this took place all across the country, with Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire all included in the festivities, which is nice since they so often miss out on the hurricanes. (Oooo, does anyone get this reference??)

 6) We got new neighbours. They are like small piles of dirt that have somehow managed to grow legs and arms, though their features and brains remain indefinable. They appear to have three settings: coitus, angry and fucking annoying. Often they combine all three, resulting in a fun-filled evening for yours truly, laid in bed, longing for death to steal his merciful cape across my weeping form.

 7) I was shortlisted for the Bridport Prize again. I should probably be more happy about this, but right now, everything is one big long bad mood. So screw you Carol-Ann Duffy for not letting me win. (NB, Carol-Ann, if you're reading this, the hatred all just for dramatic effect and I respect your (misguided) decision.)

 Yeah, so Best Beloved has been away for over 6 weeks and I've been utterly miserable. Thankfully he's back on Tuesday so I'll no doubt have something far more cheerful to say next week. Oh yes! I intend to start blogging every week now, you lucky, lucky readers! I've even written it into the colour-coded timetable I made to try and control my schedule, without which I'd probably just sit watching Grey's Anatomy all day, eating chocolate puddings and tuna straight out of the tin. Here is the aforementioned, non-prize-winning poem for you all to enjoy and not give any prizes to:


  Something Unseen

My grandfather’s head,
rouged and fuzzy as a peach,
over by the window
looking out.

My storyteller wrapped in old blankets;
a line of porridge hardening on his front.
His hands are cupped claws, holding something;
some secret of the dead.

A man of the old armoured sea,
how does he feel now
on ground unmoving?
Still he sways,

lapping an imaginary shore
where his wife is standing,
bent double in a cotton frock
reaching for something unseen.



Peace out, Napoleon x

The Methley Shallows

So, since Harry Potter fever has gripped the nation, nay, the world, I've found myself gripped by Harry Potter fever. And being of the generation who grew up at the same time as Harry, I was actually quite excited to see the last film. Oh, by the way, this is another film review. Good.
(NB, I did USED to be the same age as Harry Potter, but obviously in the parallel universe in which he lives, it is now 19 years in the future and Harry is in his 40s and sending the children he has with Ginny Weasley off to Hogwarts, which is safe once more since Harry killed Voldemort and restored goodness to the wizarding world. Btw, spoiler alert - I just told you then end of the film.)

Yeah, so several hundred years ago when I was a fresh-faced 11 year old I received a special piece of post. No, don't be silly, it wasn't a letter inviting me to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Lololololol! However, it DID contain the first two books in the Harry Potter series. "What's this?" thought I, bewildered and strangely excited. Turns out a friend of my mum had a son who worked for Bloomsbury and thought I may like to read these new books because I was about the right age for them. PERSONALLY I feel it was Bloomsbury tipping their hats to me following the manuscript I sent them for my very first novel, entitled Slug Alley; a thrilling tale about the gang warfare that took place amongst two groups of weight-lifting, cigarette-smoking slugs who lived in Britain but spoke as though they had been born and raised in Brooklyn. I'll leave you guys to draw your own conclusion.

I was sucked right in like the impressionable child I was. I bought every book IN HARDBACK pretty much the day it came out. Be under no illusion however, I was just as delightfully cynical then as I am now...I did NOT dress up as a witch or draw a spiderweb on my face or queue up for hours on end to take part in any Harry Potter "fun" days that were going on in conjunction with the release. I simply bought the books, went home and spent the next few days after that barely eating or sleeping because I was too busy reading. Imagine my restrained excitement when I found out they were going to make films of the series! And imagine my utter disappointment when I realised that Daniel Radcliffe can't act and Hollywood had ruined all the best characters! Sigh.

So there's the background...I liked reading the Harry Potter series and I thought the films were shit. And now to my review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2, with some on-set photos I managed to get.

IT WAS AMAZING! I'd watched part 1 a couple of weeks before this one and it convinced me that I should give up my boycott of the Harry Potter cinema experience, because it would seem the producers had finally got it right. I'm guessing most people who have bothered to read this far have read the book or seen the film, so I'm not going to give a story break down, mostly because I prefer the way my own superior opinions look in type, so here they are:

1) I was very glad to see that they kept any Ginny Weasley scenes to a minimum and didn't really let her or Radderz speak all that much. They must have watched previous films and realised that these were the things that made them shit. Same goes for Fred and George Weasley. I don't think Warner Bros will ever be forgiven for their destruction of two of the best characters in the entire series.

2) I think it would have been a nice touch if the vampire-y type guy noshing down on the dead Ravenclaw, you know, the one Hermione blasts off as the three leads are heading to the boathouse to listen to Raif Fi-Enez killing Alan "My Voice Is Possibly The Most Sexually Alluring Sound Known To Man" Rickman? Yeah, that vampire-y guy...I think that part should have been played by R-Pattz...just to lighten the mood, you know? 'Cause it'd be all like, "Buuuh? Waaaaait a second! Cedric Diggory DIDN'T die?! He simply became a vampire and entered into a major movie franchise designed to encourage young girls that giving up their mortal soul to satisfy their overcharged adolescent urges is the only rational course of action?? OH! LOL!"
Yeah, I think that would have been a bit of fun, wouldn't it? Show Hazzer Potter that R-Pattz hasn't forgotten his grass roots since he got all UP in K-Stew's grill, right?
(NB, I'm not entirely sure that guy was meant to be a vampire...)

3) The guy they got to play Griphook was very good at doing ACTING. Very menacing. Nice to see a dwarf being used for something other than comedy effect.

4) The film made me cry. It's very rare I cry at the cinema (movies at home and episodes of Neighbours are a different story), so it must have been quite moving. I managed three highly dignified tears from my left eye, which rolled slowly and beautifully down my cheek.
Tear 1) The part where Lupin and Tonks lie side by side, dead, their hands barely touching.
Tear 2) Snape's memories. OH ALAN! If I'd been Lily Potter I totes would have gone for you! My favourite bit of the whole film was where Snape and Dumbledore are chewing the chat and Snape conjures his patronus and it's a doe, same as Lily's and Dumbledore says, "Lily?" and Snape replies, "Always." Whimper!
Tear 3) When Harry realises he's a whore, I mean horcrux, and heads for the forest but sees Ron and Hermione on the way and Hermione gives him a big crying cuddle and says she'll go with him. Waaaaah! Emma Watson did pretty well with that, imo.

I don't really have much more to say about it. If you're a fan, you SHOULD go and see it. If you're not, you should still go since the effects are pretty spectacular. I give it: 96g of Pick n Mix out of 100g of Pick n Mix.

Harry and his friends on set at the end when everything is happy again:

Happy Kimday

Today (what's left of it) is mah good friend Kim's birthday. You may know her father, Pennywise the clown from such films as "It" and "Pennywise Does Dallas".

Anyway, I usually make all my birthday cards, but this year I've been completely snowed under doing bugger all, so instead I'm posting this blog to honour the day. As a special treat, I spoke to some celebrities and asked them their thoughts on Kim.

Oprah Winfrey

Tinie Tempura

Daniel Radcliffe

When I asked Daniel to elaborate, he just said, "It makes my tongue all nippy."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Spoiler Alert

I'm going to write a movie review today. Mostly because I don't have any really exciting news to share. Also because I really enjoyed watching I've Loved You So Long. So I'll be reviewing X-Men: First Class.

I'd been looking forward to this film for some time. If I hadn't given it away already, I'm a bit of a geekhole. I didn't read the comics though; I'm not that much of a loser. But it had what looked like an excellent cast and a good premise. So I paid my EIGHT POUNDS at the Odeon on Holloway Road - lucky it was two for one Wednesday or Best Beloved would have had to sell a kidney to get us in. I shan't rant about extortionate prices, however I am in the middle of compiling a witty, scathing letter to the Prime Minister questioning his pillaging ways; maybe I'll blog it one day. Anyway, in we went to the worst cinema ever and took our seats.

The film begins with two flash back scenes, one of which is pretty sad and harrowing, the other starring Beth Goddard as a young Charles Xavier's mother. Any of you that know me know that I hate Beth Goddard because she killed Polly a few weeks ago in Casualty. Thankfully it was just a baby mutant posing as her so we didn't have to put up with her for more than a minute. Here a friendship is forged betwixt Charles and Raven, who will OBVIOUSLY become Mystique. So too we see the evil Nazi, Kevin Bacons, torturing a young Erik Lensherr, forcing him to express the power he holds over metal. Those Nazis, eh? Seem to be at the root of all evil.

We then head forward a few years to the 1960s. Basically, the Russians are prepping for nuclear war against the Americans, so it's pretty lucky that a wily CIA agent discovers the existence of mutants and persuades Charles Xavier to help stop the madness, the MADNESS! Kevin Bacons is also back, being evil, encouraging the nuclear war with his merry troop of angry mutants.

By the end, Erik has exacted revenge and killed Mr Bacons and the goodies have diffused nuclear war. Yaaay! But WAIT! Now Erik has become a crazed killer, certain that humans are going to destroy the mutant race. He uses his powers to try and kill the wily CIA agent who reaches for her gun and shoots at him. No, you fool! He controls metal! Haven't you been watching the film?! Magneto deflects the bullets and one of them lodges itself in Charles' spin. Thus he can't walk and needs his iconic wheel chair.

There are some really excellent performances in this film...NOT even just saying that or anything. James McAvoy does a great job as Professor X, turning from smarmy Oxford don to the wise leader of his weirdo followers with very little effort. He is a good actor. Especially when compared with Daniel Radcliffe for example.

Then there's Nicholas Hoult, who seems to have gained control over his eyebrows and does a great American accent. It didn't sound fake AT ALL. Well done Nicholas Hoult; your character was my favourite because your power made you quite cute. In a teddy bear kind of way rather than a good looking way. Although I DO find you strangely attractive.

Jennifer Lawrence...you did irritate me a bit, but you were still good. Your storyline was sad and I hated Charles for being mean to you. I could probably hang out with your, so long as you promise not to mutant up into Beth Goddard ever again.

Jumping on the bandwagon I'm pronouncing Michael Fassbender as the show steal; OBVIOUSLY. There's one scene between Charles and Erik that put a giant lump in my throat. They were very good at doing wet eyes together. And it was nice to see Magneto's softer, though more masculine side; Ian Mckellen camping it up, though charming, wasn't quite menacing enough. Oh just to mother this young Magneto; take up in my arms and stroke his much-stubbled face!

There was a great support cast also. Well, except Beth Goddard and also the girl who played Angel...there's a lesson for you young X-Men: Never trust a sexy dancer :/ Yes, X-Men: First Class, you receive my seal of approval, which is really all that counts, right?

Nubbin of Joy

Today, a self-portrait:

As you can see, I am dancing with a large YES. That's because there's a lot to be YES about this week...at least in my small, strange segment of this planet we call "world".

First: I have some new readers who AREN'T my friends or family! HELLO NEW READERS WELCOME. I WILL WRITE THIS WHOLE BIT IN CAPITALS JUST FOR YOU. I HOPE YOU FEEL AS VALUED AS YOU ARE!

Next: I have been shortlisted for a poetry prize. Yay-o-Rama or what?! So now all I have to do is murder the other eleven people vying for first place and I will be the winner! And also in jail, which really worked for Oscar Wilde, so maybe not such a bad thing? I'll keep you posted.

C: Some people (most people) probably don't know that I'm moving to Edinburger in September to do my masters in creative writing. Yes, I know, it seems as though I treat this quaint vernacular as a bit of a lark, but I do actually take it very seriously and want to be a proper writer with a little ink stain on my middle finger, so that when Professor Bhaer bowls me over in the streets of New York and takes me back to his room to dry out my soaked manuscript, he will instantly know that I am a writer and we'll fall magically in love!

...anyway...yesterday I got an email to say that the university wanted to give me a scholarship award - wholly unexpected! And you know, not to be big-headed, but they kind of indicated that it's because I have an amazing ass. Well there you go kids: work hard in school and you can have a perfect rear just like me! So *big* word up to William Sharp, my homeboy benefactor.

Hmm, now that I've shared all my good news, I feel like I've broken a year long tradition of moaning about pretty much everything...Oh, wait! I AM annoyed about something! I have an inexplicable bruise on my right knee.

Peace and love everybody, peace and love.