Turn the Dial

Well, wow. It’s been a bloody long time since I wrote a movie review, innit! Also quite a while since I blogged at all. Sozzzzzzzz ‘bout that, yo! It’s just that…“because of all the mental things that happened to me. I got shallow. And my physical being could have been improved, as well as my mentality.” Literally 1 million points to whoever gets THAT cheeky wee film reference!

As is tradition, I’ll be reviewing a film that’s been bustin’ dem blocks off their rockers. By which I mean Iron Man Third, obviously.

The first thing you should know about this film is that there are LOTS of sunglasses in it. Like, we’re talking a stupidly large array of sunglasses. Nearly every time Tony Storks is on screen he has a different pair of sunglasses on. I sat through the entire film with bated breath, wondering what kind of sunglasses he would be wearing next. I found myself being worked up into a harrowing frenzy. When we were two thirds into the film, I had panic vomited four times.

It may be the case that Tony Storks wanted to give each of his new iron boyfriends their own pair of snappy sunglasses, because there were roughly 600 other iron mans in this film, all of whom had a different outfit and different powers of seduction to get Tony Storks inside them. I’m just speculating though, because we, the audience, are never given an explanation as to why Mr Storks is always sporting a different pair of sunglasses.

My favourite was Fat Iron Man, who had very little head but quite a lot of shoulder.

My other favourite bit was when Tony Storks was inside one of the irons men and he asked Pepper Potts to kiss him on the mouth clit. Pepper Potts is no fool, however, and avoided that mouth clit like the plague. Maybe she was mad that she didn’t get a pair of sunglasses? We can never know, because the huge numbers of sunglasses that feature in this film are never explained.

Overall, and despite all my anxiety over the sunglasses, I enjoyed this film in an average to above average way. Tony Storks is a sassy hero who loves hitting the baddies with one liners almost as much as he likes destroying their insides with weapons illegally produced in his basement without any kind of government checks or regulations.

I give this film 8 million pairs of sunglasses out of 1 movie from the Iron Man franchise. 

The Hungry Games

It's movie review time once again here at Rattle Bag Towers and this month I'll be reviewing "The Hunger Games". I haven't read the books, but certainly will now that I've seen the film, because that's always the best way to do it - there can be no scary surprises that way. (I am of course joking; the best thing to do is eat the book, to really absorb the story.)

Anyway, here's a photograph that has become quite famous because it is the image used with the film for the poster:

It is a mocking jay. Mocking jays are used to good effect IN THIS FILM. I don't believe these things really exist because I have never eaten one. Find me a person that has and I will believe that they exist. 

This film has Jennifer Lawrence in it. She was also in X-Men: First Class and portrayed Mystiques therein. In this film, she is not blue. In real life, she goes out with Nicholas Holts, which is nice because in X-Men: First Vlass, both of their characters were blue, but neither one is blue in real life, as far as I'm aware. 

In this film, Jennifer Lawrence is called Katniss, but the way they say it, it sounds like Catness, which I take to mean there is an essence of cat about her. This is true, because at the beginning she is very good at hunting, like a cat, and there is a lot of talk about selling skwurls. We never see any skwurls, but I imagine they look something like this:

The fifty P represents a fifty P and can be used to get a good idea of scale. Jennifer Lawrence uses a bow and arrow, which a cat would not do, but she is still quite cat-like in terms of hunting.

Katniss volunteers to take part in the 74th Annual Hunger Games. When I first saw the adverts for this film, I naturally assumed that the contestants had to play a giant game of Hungry Hippos, because that's the only hunger game I could think of. However there is much more killing involved. Here is a photograph taken on set of some of the blood they used in the film. 

As you can see, there is a bit of bone in it. It is not real bone. It might be though, but I don't know. 

This is a really good film in a blockbuster kind of a way. I would definitely take my advice and eat the books first though, because the ending is open, which would make sense because the books come as a trilogy. You will certainly be HUNGRY for more.

I give it 8 skwurls out of 9 trees.

Spoiler Alert

I'm going to write a movie review today. Mostly because I don't have any really exciting news to share. Also because I really enjoyed watching I've Loved You So Long. So I'll be reviewing X-Men: First Class.

I'd been looking forward to this film for some time. If I hadn't given it away already, I'm a bit of a geekhole. I didn't read the comics though; I'm not that much of a loser. But it had what looked like an excellent cast and a good premise. So I paid my EIGHT POUNDS at the Odeon on Holloway Road - lucky it was two for one Wednesday or Best Beloved would have had to sell a kidney to get us in. I shan't rant about extortionate prices, however I am in the middle of compiling a witty, scathing letter to the Prime Minister questioning his pillaging ways; maybe I'll blog it one day. Anyway, in we went to the worst cinema ever and took our seats.

The film begins with two flash back scenes, one of which is pretty sad and harrowing, the other starring Beth Goddard as a young Charles Xavier's mother. Any of you that know me know that I hate Beth Goddard because she killed Polly a few weeks ago in Casualty. Thankfully it was just a baby mutant posing as her so we didn't have to put up with her for more than a minute. Here a friendship is forged betwixt Charles and Raven, who will OBVIOUSLY become Mystique. So too we see the evil Nazi, Kevin Bacons, torturing a young Erik Lensherr, forcing him to express the power he holds over metal. Those Nazis, eh? Seem to be at the root of all evil.

We then head forward a few years to the 1960s. Basically, the Russians are prepping for nuclear war against the Americans, so it's pretty lucky that a wily CIA agent discovers the existence of mutants and persuades Charles Xavier to help stop the madness, the MADNESS! Kevin Bacons is also back, being evil, encouraging the nuclear war with his merry troop of angry mutants.

By the end, Erik has exacted revenge and killed Mr Bacons and the goodies have diffused nuclear war. Yaaay! But WAIT! Now Erik has become a crazed killer, certain that humans are going to destroy the mutant race. He uses his powers to try and kill the wily CIA agent who reaches for her gun and shoots at him. No, you fool! He controls metal! Haven't you been watching the film?! Magneto deflects the bullets and one of them lodges itself in Charles' spin. Thus he can't walk and needs his iconic wheel chair.

There are some really excellent performances in this film...NOT even just saying that or anything. James McAvoy does a great job as Professor X, turning from smarmy Oxford don to the wise leader of his weirdo followers with very little effort. He is a good actor. Especially when compared with Daniel Radcliffe for example.

Then there's Nicholas Hoult, who seems to have gained control over his eyebrows and does a great American accent. It didn't sound fake AT ALL. Well done Nicholas Hoult; your character was my favourite because your power made you quite cute. In a teddy bear kind of way rather than a good looking way. Although I DO find you strangely attractive.

Jennifer Lawrence...you did irritate me a bit, but you were still good. Your storyline was sad and I hated Charles for being mean to you. I could probably hang out with your, so long as you promise not to mutant up into Beth Goddard ever again.

Jumping on the bandwagon I'm pronouncing Michael Fassbender as the show steal; OBVIOUSLY. There's one scene between Charles and Erik that put a giant lump in my throat. They were very good at doing wet eyes together. And it was nice to see Magneto's softer, though more masculine side; Ian Mckellen camping it up, though charming, wasn't quite menacing enough. Oh just to mother this young Magneto; take up in my arms and stroke his much-stubbled face!

There was a great support cast also. Well, except Beth Goddard and also the girl who played Angel...there's a lesson for you young X-Men: Never trust a sexy dancer :/ Yes, X-Men: First Class, you receive my seal of approval, which is really all that counts, right?