Monday, 30 May 2011

Needles and Pins

DEN den DEN (dum d-d-DUM d-d-DUM d-d-DUM) Den den DEN den den DEN (dum d-d-DUM d-d-DUM d-d-DUM) DEN den DEN den! Yoo-hoo-hoooo. It's you and mee-heee-heee.

Name that tune.

And also, hear me when I say, "I know why the world is dying." I was laid in bed the other night and I figured it out. So the world, yeah? It's like a big machine, yeah? All working together and looking after itself, and we're humans, right? And apparently we're to blame for the world being in really bad shape, right? Like, there are terrible fires, and the ice caps are melting and the bees are dying and the coral is withering, never to revitalised? With me? Yeah? Yeah?
And you know how that's all connected, and scientists have been saying that the connection is the human effect on the world?

WELL! Like I said, laid in bed the other night, I realised what the problem is. It's not humanity at large; it's Neil Buchanan.

*pause for effect*

Think about it. How many other people do you know that use miles of beach land to create a "Big Art Attack"? Who else would make a "Big Art Attack" then leave all the hundreds of pounds worth of PE equipment and netting and rope on the beach to be washed away by the tide, out into the sea? They say sea levels are rising - that's because they're so full of "Big Art Attack" items! When I think of all the baby seahorses choking on indoor cricket balls made of flaky yellow foam...why, it turns my stomach. Galloping around with his giant paint brushes, knocking beehives down, spilling the bees, their honey to the ground; throwing a gigantic tarpaulin over them just so he can create a seaside scene in the park. Why not just leave the seaside where it IS, Neil Buchanan? Oh that's right, because YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED THE SEASIDE!

This man MUST be stopped! I recently saw an ad to say he was "back". I have reason to believe he's been "away" on an intergalactic journey, flying through space in his giant PVA pot spaceship, collecting resources from other planets to bring to earth for his "Big Art Attacks". These items are undoubtedly toxic and completely poisonous to humans. It is my belief that Neil Buchanan is on a mission for world domination and that we will all die if we don't stop him.

Please, I urge you to spread the word. This is serious. SAY NO TO BIG ART ATTACKS.

Artists Rendering of Neil "The Byooxchster" Buchanan: