Instant Crush

Hello World

I am writing to you from my sickbed wherein I lie with a face the size of Jupiter. I had a tooth taken out this week and really didn’t believe them when they said there would be swelling and bruising. I look like a very dejected, domestically abused Moomin. But worry not! I have of course taken a series of hilarious photos tracking the progress of it all, so I’ll share that with you when I’m better and we’ll all have a right old larf at my expense.

Anyway! I went to see Star Trek last week, so I’m going to review it for you here and now, though I may have to stop for a little nap halfway through because I’ve been living off rodent-sized helpings of yoghurt and flavoured water for the last few days. I know, I know, I’m a hero of the modern age and a “true survivor” of these harrowing times, but don’t embarrass me by going on about it. (NB, I started this on Wednesday, it's now Friday, so slightly more than a little nap...)

First of all, I LOVE Star Trek. I grew up watching it so there’s a special room in my heart where it luxuriates in the flowing rivers of sentimentality and oxygenated blood.

The main thing I noticed about this film is that everyone is really good at running and jumping. And I mean really good. Spock was particularly impressive when it came to running and adding little twirls in the air, as you can see from the photograph below.

The second thing of note was that Benedict Cabbagepatch was wonderfully involved with the emotions of his character. Emotions of note: sad, crying, serious, stony and being horrific.

I’d also like to bring attention to the fact that William Shatner is being played by Chris Pine in this film and I want to applaud his triangular chin. I mean, I have literally never seen a chin so pointy. His chin is a Pythagorean dream made real.

Overall this film is alright. There are several lines that have clearly been shoehorned in to reference the classic TV series and while several people around us in the cinema did a bit of clapping, I have to say I found them momentarily cringey. But Star Trek wouldn’t be Star Trek without a cheesy script and a bunch of fanboys whacking off because they get the joke.

I would like to give this film 19 tribbles out of 6 sexually appealing jumpsuits.