Friday, 15 October 2010

Call me Hercule

Lately I've been experiencing a lot of coincidences. Today it reached the stage where I decided that they're not coincidences and are in fact connected by a universal strand meant for closer examination.

Yes that's right!! A MYSTERY TO BE SOLVED!! Oh doesn't that just spark a deep and dreadful excitement in the gut?

So first let me give you the back story, bring you up to speed on the whole operation before we move forward:

Some time last year, while I was still unemployed, drizzling around the house in my over-sized pyjamas with feet too cold and a look of deep space glazed on my vacant face; yes at some point during that year I managed to make it out of the house for a visit to my favourite high street media vendor where I bought a copy of I <3 Huckabees. Really strange, confusing film!! I've watched it twice and still find it difficult to keep up. Anyway, if you've seen the film, you'll know that this purchase and subsequent viewing of mine was the first coincidence, though of course I didn't realise it then.

Anyway, then I started work. As anyone who reads this blog with any continuity knows, I ride the bus every day to and from work. Obviously a lot of the same people get on the same bus as me, so seeing them every day isn't that big a deal. This will however become more significant as my story unfolds, so bear this in mind: I get the bus with the same people most days; I know what they look like; I notice if they aren't there. Okay, got that? Good.

Most days when I'm heading to work I get off at the far end of town so I have a fifteen or so minute walk down to work to clear my head and prepare me for another monotonous day of treachery. At some point, probably around May/June of this year, every day when I got off the bus, I would see a tall man in a pale blue shirt with white hair and a black beard, carrying a rucksack. A fairly distinctive looking man to most people, let alone an obsessive person spotter like me!

The first time I saw him, I obviously thought nothing of it, other than, "Wow, what white hair he has; so striking against that rugged black beard." Then, on another day, I was catching the bus home and I saw him again. This time he was at the opposite end of town. Fair enough, perhaps he's like me and likes to walk through town for some fresh air.

The third time was more significant - I saw him on my lunch break. I was starting to wonder if I'd bagged myself a stalker, but decided that couldn't be the case since he didn't seem to register my presence at all, even though I stared at him so intently every time he might well have burst into flames. That or he was just a really good stalker and is in fact hiding in my wardrobe right now...


Anyway, I kept seeing him. Pretty much every day for three whole weeks, There are a lot of people in and around Leeds and for me to see the same stranger every day for three weeks convinces me even further that this was no coincidence.

For the next part in the saga we need to go back to my fellow bus users. I get on at a stop near my house every morning. Three stops later a man, always dressed in a black shirt and a black and white stripy tie, gets on. He looks like a normal guy. HOWEVER he had black hair, PEPPERED ENTIRELY SYMMETRICALLY WITH GREY HAIRS. His voice is also really girlish for a man. Traits of an evil mastermind? Well stick with me, my theory is coming, slowly but surely...

The third and probably most significant base fact I want to give you, are details of the black shoes I've been seeing everywhere for the last two weeks. Seriously, everywhere I turn there's a single, shiny black shoe lying there as if it's been kicked off in a mad scramble. It's always one and they're always in the weirdest places: the middle of a road; stuffed in a bush; tossed in a field full of horses. It's so strange. And sinister.

Still awake? Excellent, here comes my sewing together of facts and follow up theory!

Probably about two weeks ago, around the same time I started seeing all the shoes, the castrato didn't get on the bus for many a day. The bearded man also disappeared. I haven't seen him for an AGE. Having seen him so often for so long, I was obviously worried.

Then, tonight, when the castrato boarded the bus and immediately fell asleep, and I saw another black shoe in the bus station, it all fell into place! THE CASTRATO MUST HAVE MURDERED THE BEARDED MAN AND THROWN ALL THE SHOES HE OWNED AROUND LEEDS AND THE SURROUNDING AREA SO HE WOULDN'T BE DISCOVERED!

THAT'S why the pepper haired man was so tired on the bus today! I could barely contain my terrified excitement at having struck upon this theory. Oh good God, I thought, what should I do?! Oh I know, I'll write a blog about it, logging my suspicions and vowing to keep my audience gripped with any further information I uncover over the next few months.

So there you have it, a real life mystery, signed, sealed and delivered avec verdict. I mean, obviously I can't be 100% certain I'm right, which is why I won't go to the police until I have something physical to show them - I didn't manage to pick up any of the shoes and can't very well go up to the man on the bus in case he murders me too; the only thing I really have to go on besides the facts I've presented is the extra strong inkling I've had to listen to ABBA lately...ONE OF WHOM HAS A BEARD :/

As I said, I'll keep all four of my faithful readers posted with any developments. All helpful suggestions welcome. I just want the bearded man found so we can lay his perfectly contrasting face/head to rest if indeed he is dead. However I'd also like to say,

"Mr Whitehairbackbeard, if you read this, please get in touch, I'm worried about you and think you've been murdered."

Let's just try and keep one another safe guys. And if you hear a castrato singing out a ditty in your ear, I'd like to know about it straight away.

Peace out, Napoleon.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my Lord! I am so gripped - I didn't even know that poor murdered man a few moments ago and now I just feel so sad to think that he could be gone!

    What is the world coming to?? I bet this kind of thing is going on all over the place...