Friday, 8 October 2010

Lines That Don't Collate

Well! Never have I more seriously considered lobbing my apple core at 'yooman bean! There I stood, waiting patiently for my bus, next to a lady who very well looked as though she was queuing for the same one as me.

I saw the bus on the approach so I got out my Pass of Extortion and waited for it to pull into the stand. There were several people in front of me, so I was in no rush to cut in front of the woman. I turned to her and said something along the lines of, "Why good day to you, lady of a similar politeness and social decency level as myself, art thou waiting for this here omnibus?"

Before she had chance to respond, a large turd with legs was pushing its way in between us, making for the queue of people in front of me! So shocked was I, I blurted out something along the lines of, "Erm, HELLO?" avec Ricki Lake hand/head gestures of indignation.

The turd had the turdy audacity to turn its turdy head and say, in it's stinking turd voice, "Oh don't worry about it! Take your time!" with a large intonation of turd-flavoured sarcasm, as though the bus had been there for five minutes rather than the five seconds of time that had passed in non-turd reality. The doors hadn't even skittered open yet!!

Boy-o-boy did I push past him as quickly as I could! No doubt my coat is stained with his turdish demeanour, but justice simply had to be done :/

He proceeded to sit in front of me on the bus and only then did I recognise him as the very same turd who used to get on the bus every morning and practically sit in my LAP, casting his turdflakes about the place like some grotesque carver of faecal matter, and was, in turn one of the reasons I now cram myself into the not-made-for-tall-people individual seats at the front of the bus every morning. Hence my longing to throw my apple core at the back of his head.
I refrained though; I figured it would only result in a horrible smattering of turd flying all over the place.

I sat wondering what on earth this country is coming to, letting actual piles of crap with legs ride on buses, when Jimmy McSmokes got on with a lady friend.

Jimmy McSmokes is a guy who must be about my age, but probably has the lungs of a 90-year-old miner. I'm guessing this from the STENCH of smoke that comes off him every time he boards. With no exaggeration intended, he must smoke literally one million cigarettes a day. It's as though his rather fetching wee tracksuit is made only of lit cigarettes.

Don't get me wrong, I hate Jimmy for that, he just disappoints me. And he lived up to that disappointment yet further today when he sat with a paper bag full of DVDs; like ten of them or something. He went through them all and picked the price sticker from each one. When the sticker had been removed, he threw it on the floor. Then he took the DVDs out of the recyclable, paper bag and threw that on the floor too.

Oh Jimmy McSmokes!! You were homeward bound! Do you not have a bin there? One made of cigarettes perhaps? Or could you not have held onto the bag and the stickers and put them in the bin that is...oh yeah, right next to the stop where you got off?

The most pathetic thing about it was that he didn't even look like he was doing it with any malicious intent. I think he thinks that where rubbish goes.
SERIOUSLY, where is this country GOING right now?!

Ahhhhh fuck it! I'm going to chisel out a grain of sand to live in. Have a little poem why don't you?


Take the camera out of my face,
I know you're lying to me -
those eyelashes aren't even yours.
And get out from the curtains;
my grandmother hung them
and if I find one footprint...

I've seen you, with your courderoys
and your meat-blood eyes
and I don't trust you.
How old are you?
Timeless, is it?
What're you going to do?
Photoshop me into outer space?

You aren't a wizard,
you'll never remove the reflection
of your face in my glassy eyes;
everyone will know it was you,
even if you are hiding
at the other end of a darkened tunnel.

NB Yes, these stories are indeed trivial, but hey, I'm just trying to raise a smile or two. :) <<< there's one, so I'm halfway there, riiiiiight?

1 comment:

  1. Oh I loved the bit where the doors hadn't even skittered open yet! Have these - :) :) :) :)