On Fruits

I'm coming down with what will be my 600th cold so far this year, so earlier today I made myself an Olbas tissue to snort on and picked out a tiny orange to up my vitamin C.

I had purchased Sainsbury's "Soft Citrus" tangerines and started peeling, assuming, from the "soft" part of their advertising, it would be easy. How wrong I was.

 THE END, KISSES.

The Hungry Games

It's movie review time once again here at Rattle Bag Towers and this month I'll be reviewing "The Hunger Games". I haven't read the books, but certainly will now that I've seen the film, because that's always the best way to do it - there can be no scary surprises that way. (I am of course joking; the best thing to do is eat the book, to really absorb the story.)

Anyway, here's a photograph that has become quite famous because it is the image used with the film for the poster:

It is a mocking jay. Mocking jays are used to good effect IN THIS FILM. I don't believe these things really exist because I have never eaten one. Find me a person that has and I will believe that they exist. 

This film has Jennifer Lawrence in it. She was also in X-Men: First Class and portrayed Mystiques therein. In this film, she is not blue. In real life, she goes out with Nicholas Holts, which is nice because in X-Men: First Vlass, both of their characters were blue, but neither one is blue in real life, as far as I'm aware. 

In this film, Jennifer Lawrence is called Katniss, but the way they say it, it sounds like Catness, which I take to mean there is an essence of cat about her. This is true, because at the beginning she is very good at hunting, like a cat, and there is a lot of talk about selling skwurls. We never see any skwurls, but I imagine they look something like this:

The fifty P represents a fifty P and can be used to get a good idea of scale. Jennifer Lawrence uses a bow and arrow, which a cat would not do, but she is still quite cat-like in terms of hunting.

Katniss volunteers to take part in the 74th Annual Hunger Games. When I first saw the adverts for this film, I naturally assumed that the contestants had to play a giant game of Hungry Hippos, because that's the only hunger game I could think of. However there is much more killing involved. Here is a photograph taken on set of some of the blood they used in the film. 

As you can see, there is a bit of bone in it. It is not real bone. It might be though, but I don't know. 

This is a really good film in a blockbuster kind of a way. I would definitely take my advice and eat the books first though, because the ending is open, which would make sense because the books come as a trilogy. You will certainly be HUNGRY for more.

I give it 8 skwurls out of 9 trees.

Preparations

I found out recently that one of my bestfriendsintheentireworldever is getting married in October, which you should all be pleased about because if not, you are dead inside.

My friend, Ashley, who cannot be named for legal reasons, lives in Maine, so me and Rachel, who you also don't know and cannot be named for legal reasons, can't be there to help with any preparations, which is a shame because we've planned approximately no weddings in our time and we were really good at it. So, to make up for it, I've done some lovely designs that my friend my like to consider for her special day and wanted to share them with you just in case anyone else wanted to commission me as a dress designer for their own wedding. The ones I'm presenting here are mostly tuned to Ash's tastes and desires, but are completely adaptable if you're reading this and think, "Hey, that would look GREAT on me, except for the colour, or the fabric"; don't worry, I can do other designs as well.

Anyways, here they are:

1. The Cherokee design. This is specific to Ash, because she is part Cherokee, but we could exchange to feathers for another material, such as cheese if you're a cheese farmer, or chainsaws if you're Leatherface.

2. The 70s design. Ashley really likes everything about the 70s, especially ABBA, so I've designed this dress to reflect that.

3. The Red Hot Chilli Pepper design. Again, this is quite specific to Ash, because she is really good friends with Anthony Kiedis; or at least she used to be, before he ran off with one of our other best friends, Becky Bucktooth, but I don't want to go into that right now, because it's too upsetting to relive the memories. 

The design would be suitable for ANY RHCP fan, and I can also design a matching outfit for the groom if required.

4. The Backstreet Boys design. Again, this would be suitable for any BSB fan. 

And that's all the designs I've managed to do so far. I'm really busy, but I've made time for this because Ash is important to me. However, as I've mentioned, I'm considering a career in wedding dress design, so if you like what you see, don't hesitate to get in touch. Similarly, pass my blog address along to any of your friends who might be getting married and we'll have a chat. 

Cheers guys, you the best! x

Fields of Goldfish

Helloit'sbeenawhileI'dliketoinviteyoutotakeajourneywithmeWillyoucome?

Excellent. So the other day I was eating quesadilla bought in a newfangled establishment known as a "restaurant". Quesadillas are packaged in hexagon shapes, and then cut up into pieces. A piece of quesadilla looks like this:

As you can see from its triangular shape, it is delicious. Here is a photograph of me eating a quesadilla:

Obviously I have eaten quesadillas before, that's why I have a photograph of myself immersed in that very activity. That's also how I know that they have bits of chopped up vegistible in them. For example:

Admittedly, the second photograph is of a chicken trying to masquerade as a vegetable. I included it because chicken is another option you may like to include in your quesadilla. You can also have onions or a cheese.

Anyway, when I was in the restaurant the other night, eating my quesadilla, including all the ingredients noted above, my evening was ruined by the appearance of a rogue assassin passing itself off as an onion. Never have I ever tasted anything so violent. It slashed my tongue to ribbons, embedded itself in the wounds then sewed them up with threads of onion taste so that I couldn't get rid of the flavour for THREE DAYS.

So I think the message we should all take away from this is, "FUCK OFF ONIONS."

...kinda feel mean towards the onion now...I guess he can stay...

Sigh. "Onion, you're so inappropriate! It appears you can't be trusted, be gone!"

And that's how I banished onions.

The End.

Young Pilgrims

I feel like it's been months since last I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life, but at the same time feel it was mere hours since I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life and yet it has been days since I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life. The words and the ebony and the keys and the life and the range and the st and the fascin and the ating of it all has clouded about my head like some kind of cloud and now I can't piece anything together, as though my strange and fascinating life is a Victorian street scene depicting rather a to do over a baker who's spilled his rolls as a rowdy dog bounds past being chased by a stream of young urchins, printed onto and expanse of wood and cut into curious shapes with some kind of motorised cutting tool I can't quite remember the name of.

The scene is then placed into a plastic bag and sealed. The bag is then placed into a cardboard box and sealed with two slithers of a clear plastic adhesive, sticky on one side but not the other. The box with the bag in it with the scene in it is then shipped out to toy shops and wayfaring merchants who tout it to children as a means of improving their hand eye coordination. However, children can often slip into a simple-minded haze and forget entirely that the small pieces of scene they are holding in their hands are of vital importance to the scene as a whole and they eat them and the scene can never be complete.

It winds up in charity shops bearing the slogan, "Some Peices Missing" and everybody cries because "pieces" is spelt wrong and the scene can never be completed. Somebody buys it anyway, thinking it will be okay but they wind up completely, utterly, heartbreakingly disappointed when they invest hours of free time building the scene piece by piece only to find that the scene can never be completed.

Minus One

I came down the stairs on the bus the other day - Edinburgh buses feel safer than Yorkshire buses, which means I'm able to sit upstairs without the awful apprehension that used to plague me about descending them and falling to my ultimate demise. So I came down the stairs and saw a woman with a sleeping baby in a sling coming towards the door, so obviously I let her go first. Off she got and I followed. Then I realised that what I thought was a baby aged around a year was in fact a twenty five year old woman. Yes, that's right. A mother. Carrying her twenty five year old child. In a sling.

As the above photograph suggests, the mother had a severe spinal deformity, probably due to the fact she's been carrying a 25 year old around in a sling.

The 25 year old was asleep and looked thoroughly contented. That might have something to do with the fact she'd never been forced to use her completely non-disabled legs to do any walking because her mother is quite happy to tote her around like a great big teddy bear.

Let's bear in mind here, that it was around half past 4 in the evening. The 25 year old clearly had no kind of a routine and would no doubt be awake until the early hours of the morning, during which time, the deformed mother would stand, staring into space (because she cant straighten her back into an upright position) wondering why her child wasn't asleep.

Get a grip, middle-class parents! Your children need to walk sometimes. They also need to learn to hate you for depriving them of their sleep. I am hereby pioneering a new campaign to get middle-class children walking:

To join my campaign, you just have to sponsor a spine. It could be your own, it could be mine, it could be the spine of a seasoned hooker, it really doesn't matter so long as you're willing to pay it a pound a week and stroke it a little bit sometimes. That's basically it.

So off you go! Find your spines! LOVE YOUR SPINES!

What's That Jeremiah?

GET ME! I've been to the cinema! For the first time in months! When I used to go all the time! And now I can't stop exclaiming! EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO YEAH...I have apparently figured out how to change my font size. It wasn't that hard, maybe you should try it and then you will have achieved something more than waking up and avidly watching the toaster while it makes your breads crispy so they can make your butter melty.

Back to the point. I went to the cinema! I went to see The Artist. And now I'm going to review it for you, as I sometimes do when a film impresses me or if I hate a film or if everyone else is reviewing films, because as I'm sure you're aware, I'm a major bandwagoneer. So The Artist. Here's the movie poster:

If you've read any other reviews of this film, they probably said it was amazing and that you should go see it. My advice to you would be to take the advice of all the other reviews and go and see it immediately. And you definitely have to see it at the cinema, but a really GOOD cinema, by which I mean one in a decent city/town where people can go and watch a film surrounded by other people who are there to actually watch a film instead of texting or talking or locking into coitus three seats down. Because it needs to be really quiet for this film to be effective.

IT'S A SILENT MOVIE, PEOPLE. Yesthat'sright. It's extremely well-acted, the music is excellent and the dog is my highlight of 2012 so far - I'll keep you posted if anything replaces it.

I gives it 72 pecans out of 75 pecans pies.

Which equals GOOD. And HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

The End.