Tuesday, 4 January 2011

I Used to be a Showgirl

Hey Asshole: Happy New Year.

I hope the festive season was a joyous one. I myself spent it wallowing in fine wines and opulence trying to drown my disillusionment in the sorrows of the poor. I feel I did quite well, for I am ready to face 2011 with renewed vigour! Hurrah!

But really, I am actually quite looking forward to this year, even though I'm entering it with a mystery illness and no actual plans made. My secret? Heroin. That's right, I'm drawing my inspiration from Sally Bowles, star of the musical hit Cabaret. Oh, heroine has an "E" on the end?? How misl'E'ading of me...guffaw.

Anyway, I have a little story to share, something I hope y'all can learn from. It's something that has bugged me for a while now. I'm not sure if it's a new trend that has recently emerged or if I've simply moved in better circles until now. (To my current circle: who am I trying to kid? I do not have a circle.)

So here we go:

I was watching the 100 Greatest Musicals countdown the other night; a repeat from a few years ago in which the "great" British public further cast themselves from my regard by voting GREASE as the number one musical of all time, putting The Sound of Music at number 2. Bullshit, you stupid twats. Anyway.

Tony Hadley came on to discuss one of the musicals. It could have been Les Mis, it could have been Cats, perhaps it was West Side Story, we'll never know. At least we'll never know until More4 run out of billing material again and they reshow it in a few months time. Anyway, whatever it was he was talking about must have been upsetting because he said, and I quote,

"...I was in absolute bits!"

I was nearly SICK.

Tony, if you're reading this, take note:

"absolute" = "complete"

"I was in complete bits."

It's a contradiction, Tony, a contradiction. One cannot be in "absolute bits" because that implies you are in whole bits. There's no such thing as a whole bit, at least not in the context you were using. I think what you meant to say was, "I was absolutely in bits", which would mean the musical was so moving you were metaphorically a broken wreck, perhaps like a smashed glass. (I went for a glass a) because the broken pieces of glass could look like large scattered tears and b) because it's quite sad to see a broken glass, especially if that glass was part of a set you got for your birthday and the shop you bought it from no longer stocks that range...but now we're moving slightly into the literal and I don't think that was what Tony Hadley had in mind.)

Don't worry, Tone, you aren't the only person to have done it. I've heard it several times this past year, you were just on the wrong compilation show at the wrong time. But I've opened the door to you; why not come on over to the real world where people aren't made of gold and many don't believe in the existence of the soul and sentences actually make SENSE. (NB, I do not include myself in my statement about the soul; I'm merely speaking as a representative of our maddeningly atheistic society.)

Come on guys, let's make 2011 our year for using language PROPERLY. YEAH!! *high five*

Ohhh I'm never going to get through to you; no one's even reading this! Damn you, Tony Hadley!!

Sigh. Here's a New Year poem:

Today I am a caper at a party,
tomorrow I shall be a germ,
the day after that, stomach acid,
and then? Perhaps rickets.
I tire of myself quickly, you see;
every day is like New Year, I'm always
reinventing. Sometimes I'll put on
a different hat every day for months on end,
each a little more wacky than the last.
People like that, they like it if you're wacky.
Wackiness gets you places:

Her new book has such a charming wackiness about it
I hardly put it down for three years!

Our next guest is anything but ordinary, currently touring the country with her outlandish stage show.

Okay, that one said outlandish,
but that basically means wacky, right?
I'm never quite sure what I mean,
but who is?
Yesterday I heard someone trying to explain
how a gate works:

No Susan, you just open it and walk through.

I see birds and reptiles everywhere.

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