Super Function

"Well Yellow," said the aubergine to the banana, "we really fucked up this time."

Come in, sit down, You are most welcome! Mrs Hippo the maid shall bring tea for us shortly, but until then let me tell you my story.

Y'know what's really been bugging me this week? The way Facebook has taken to saying things like, "Pets. Many people who like Music also like Pets." Why would I want to know that? It's as though they think I'm going to come to my obviously dull senses and remember that, oh yes, I too like pets after all! Thank you for reminding me, FACEBOOK. Well you know what, a lot of people that like *music* probably also like *paedophilia* and I just will not associate myself with them. So get a grip, Facebook, and stop acting like you know everyone's insides. Ugh.

In other news, the Isle of Wight Festival was...shing shing! AWESOME! Very very cool weekend spent with Best Beloved, Kimmywise, Jan, Mike, Robert Goulet, Craig Finn's mary, Russ from Hollyoaks, Juliette Lewis, Juliette Lewis's lawyer, Laurence of my Labia, Liza Minnelli, Liza Minnelli's lips, Stephen (even if he DID constantly fall down the stairs :/ ), Precious's Mom, Justin and Bieber, Terrance Torrance, Geoffrey Piscine, K.F. Elmo, Notorious Big, Gary Moray, Ike and Tina Turner...waaaaait a second! Ike and Tina were NOT part of our entourage! Get out! GO! Shoo! Off with you and your wildly over highlighted hair and juicy sausage lips and fists that beat! Be gone!

Those Turners, you have to be careful - they'll sneak up on your unsuspecting back and have at it at any hour of the day! Anyway, as I was saying, the festival was super. So many top acts playing. If you're actually interested in seeing who was there, check on Google or something or maybe Facebook will just tell you, even if you don't want to know, because I'm not about to rattle off a seemingly endless list of names that won't mean a lot to many people, that would just be boring.

I will however note my musical highlights:

Blondie.
WOOOOOOO! I'd never realised just how much I wanted to see this band play! I spent a lot of my teenage years listening to their albums on an endless loop, hoping that I might one day be as effortlessly cool as Debbie Harry who was, IMO, the forerunner for some of the hottest female singers out there today (KarenOandKTTunstallI'minlovewithyou). FYI, I'm not effortlessly cool. Or even cool a little bit. But I guess I'm coming to terms with my galumphing ways.
We discussed the fact that Debbie Harry wasn't exactly bopping about the stage, but hey, she's 64. At least she didn't try to act like a twenty year old stud like a certain member of the Beatles I won't mention, and although I will admit that the vocals weren't fantastic quality (though it may just have been the acoustics of the (sniff sniff) VIP area), I still really enjoyed their set!

The Hold Steady
Basically, before I met my good friend Ms Hannah Smart, I'd never even HEARD of The Hold Steady (-is ashamed-), but now I'm listing them up there as one of the highlights of the festival season so far. I'd only ever listened to them as a stationary band pumped from a CD (well, iTunes download) and even though Hannah had proclaimed them the best live act intheworldever, I was still dubious. Craig Finn has one of those voices that kind of makes him seem like he's drawling his words out drunk, telling you a story about how some of his friends went out dancing and it all got screwy but in the end they were all still American, and although it's enjoyable to listen to the music this way, they're definitely a band you SHOULD see live - Craig Finn is a really awesome front man and there's not a lot more to it! I mean, there were marys and wavings and dancings and drawlings and so so many smiles! I'm not quite there with Hannah when it comes to the whole best live act thing, but I certainly appreciate them a lot a lot more now - Best Beloved was officially sick of me singing Chips Ahoy! to him within about three minutes of my seeing them perform. Good.

Jay Zed
Not hugely into the music, but the dancing that took place was pretty much the best thing ever made. Even though there's no way you could ever know that.

Pink
Really never thought I'd be listing Pink among the highlights of, well, anything. Her act was supreme. Pretty much shit on everyone else's as far as show(wo)manship goes. She flew. Twice. And there was fire. And glitter. And swears thrown out in the air and a hamster ball with Pink inside and the handing over of a naughty garter to a sweaty man in the crowd. It was pretty intense. Na na na na na naa naaa I WANNA BE A BEAR!

So they were my main highlights I think, though when I've published this I'm pretty certain I'll remember something else...

There were very few lowlights, but I'm going note them nonetheless to give you a more rounded picture:

Ostrich Burger
After feeling unwell pretty much all day Saturday, eating an ostrich burger at about 1am wasn't the best idea I've ever had. Needless to say I saw said ostrich but a short hour later. On the floor. Outside our tent.

Seeing Juliette Lewis
The clue is in the title.

Seeing a massive *human* turd by the cash machines
Again, the clue is in the title.

Skinny braces
When worn by ageing rock stars. Shudder.

Hmm, so yeah they were the parts that I've remembered most clearly, although there were definitely far most amazingisms than those noted. I meant to write this as soon as I got back so it was fresh, but I've just been too busy ruining my life at work and sweating my organs out in the fresh summer heat. Plus I was abducted for a while by a pasty shop owner. He smelt like pasties. Now I like a good pasty, but seriously I think he was bathing in them to get such a solid, constant stink of pasties about himself. What a sicko.

So yeah, you're just going to have to deal with it and fill in the blanks using the power of your imaaaaginaaaaationssssss, if you can tear your minds away from the white noise that floods our modern senses for more than six seconds. Just get a grip on yourself. Learn another language. Sail a boat. Lick a stamp. Buy a parrot. Do something.





Disappearing.