Wednesday, 26 September 2012

The Culture Section

Today I've been really cultural, having gone to the cinema AND the theatre, as well as having a yoghurt drink. While the yoghurt drink was disappointing - basically just yoghurt with a bit of water in it, my other cultural excursions were fabulous, darling! (Now that I'm cultured, I have to say things like "excursion" and "darling". It is the law and while I may be a bad ass, I will not let Lady Justice down.)

Firstly, I saw ParaNorman at the movie cinema picture screen house. If you haven't seen it, DO. It starts off with me desperately trying to find the toilets in the underground caverns of the cinema. I then battle with the hand dryer for a good 3 minutes because it keeps switching itself off and I MUST have dry hands before I can leave the toilet. 

When I get back to my seat, I find out Norman has been sat watching a zombie movie with his nanna but it turns out NANNA IS DEAD. Now I'm comfortable, I see Norman's dad chastising Norman for pretending to talk to dead people. But the twist is, he really CAN talk to the deads among us!  

Obviously a storyline follows from this initial set up, but after a series of complaints and letters of fiery hatred pertaining to my lack of spoiler alerts when discussing films I've seen, I won't go into it. What I will say is, Bruce Willis is a ghost. But that's all I'm going to say. 

The film is really well shot, a super mixture of stop motion (which EVERYONE should love because it's AWESOME) and CGI. The good thing is that the CGI doesn't look *too* CGI, because that would detract from the roughness of the stop motion. So for this I say, well done Gavin Bumhorner (<< A genuine name I spotted in the credits*) and the rest of the team! I give this film 7 corpses out of 11 graves.

Then I drank my yoghurt. 

My final bit of culture today came in the form of The Phantom of the Opera. Because I'm a major blogebrity**, I got free tickets. Anyone who knows me knows musical theatre is  my one true love****, so getting free tickets to see the Phantom is definitely up there with my wedding day and the birth of my children*****. 

The sets were fabulous, darling and the performances were, for the most part, excellent. However, I came to the conclusion after many years of research, if I were Christine, I would NOT have chosen Raoul. He's pushy and possessive and has an -extremely- nasal singing voice. Songs that he doesn't even write for himself. The Phantom is all kidnap and romance. I mean, isn't it every girl's dream to be abducted by a deformed, obsessive stalker who lives in the sewers where he writes very sexually charged music and sits clapping along with a monkey music box?****** I know it's mine!

High points included: 

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again - the girl playing Christine (let's call her Lucy Bumhorner) belted that mother out and brought the glimmer of a tear to my stone cold eye.

The Phantom's weep-sing voice. It was very emotional for us all.

Low points included:

The idiot bitches sat behind us, talking the ENTIRE way through the first half. But don't worry, I sorted them out.

(Insert one of my classic photographs that I can't quite be bothered to draw I mean take at this hour of night. It depicts me shooting the bitches in the tits.)

WOW, I've really gone on here! Well...I guess you should stop reading about six paragraphs ago if you're bored by now.

Peace out.


*This is not a real name, though very similar to one I genuinely did spot in the credits, a name in which the word BUM strongly featured.

**Celebrity blogger.***

***I'm not a blogebrity in any way. I just made that word up. And no one reads my blog.

****For any lovers reading this, firstly, thanks for tuning in. Secondly, I'm not going to apologise for this statement, you knew the situation when you signed up for this.

*****I've had neither a wedding nor a childen. Until those things happen I'm totally allowed to claim that any minor but lovely event in my life is on a par of excellence with them.

******BTW, spoiler alert!

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