A Brief Excerpt

Good evening one and all.

Just a quick one here because I don't have anything exciting to say, which is highly unusual, as I'm sure you are by now aware. I've got a little poem for you instead. ENJOY!

It's called


Mr P


Mr P crawled up into his bumhole
and made it a home for himself.
From there he sent out his letters,
asking everyone to act a little nicer.

"If you could all be more like me;
if you could all journey inside yourselves
as I have done,
you could look your spirit right in the face
and the world would be a better place."

When I received my letter from Mr P,
I replied with a brief note scrawled on a napkin:
"Mr P, your spirit is a bolus of turd,
and the eye with which it looks
is a nubbin of stinky corn.
While I agree that corn is probably the answer
to the Third World Starvation crisis,
I think somebody should point out,
you're living in an anus."

A few weeks later, Mr P replied stating that,
"A man's home is his asshole."

"Dear Mr P," I said.
"You're full of shit."


---FINI---

Back in the Rattle

HIYA LOVE!

It's been a while since I last done a blog, so this will be a mash-up recap of all the insignificant, completely awesome things that have happened in my life that I would normally blog about but just haven't had chance.

First things first, I just found a pound. Literally just this minute. It was laid on my bedroom floor and no doubt delivered by the pound fairy last night. In fact it definitely was, because here is a photo of her dropping it off:

It's probably a reward for all the good deeds I've done like sticking with Grey's Anatomy throughout season 8 despite it being ridiculous and verging on boring.

Second things second, I went and gone and saw the H'Avengers! The H'Avengers are a really nice family with three dads and one mum and a family friend called Hawkley One Eye (who is an amalgamation of Samuel L Jackson and Jeremy Renner) and an obese green child called The 'Ulk. Here is a photograph of them being happy together:

Normally I would do a full film review, but because this is a quick recap I'm not allowed. I am however allowed to say "it was really good", and "I give it ten muscles out of ten arms", which are things that I would probably have said if I'd done a full film review.

Moving on. I was walking down the road the other day and found a secret note. Here's what it said:

Being a spy I was able to deduce that all of these things added together would equal a horrendous curry bomb likely to engulf Edinburgh in a fragrant river of chickens and sauce. I compiled my own list of potential suspects:

As you can see, they are all known terrorists. Fear not, however! I sent my findings to Scotland Yard and they're working to arrest all of these people so they can torture them mercilessly until they spill their guts, both figuratively and literally - they'll be torturing them with slightly off cheese - listeria abounds!

And that's all I have to say right now because nothing else that is equal to or more interesting than these things has happened to me since my last blog.

BYE! x

On Fruits

I'm coming down with what will be my 600th cold so far this year, so earlier today I made myself an Olbas tissue to snort on and picked out a tiny orange to up my vitamin C.

I had purchased Sainsbury's "Soft Citrus" tangerines and started peeling, assuming, from the "soft" part of their advertising, it would be easy. How wrong I was.

 THE END, KISSES.

The Hungry Games

It's movie review time once again here at Rattle Bag Towers and this month I'll be reviewing "The Hunger Games". I haven't read the books, but certainly will now that I've seen the film, because that's always the best way to do it - there can be no scary surprises that way. (I am of course joking; the best thing to do is eat the book, to really absorb the story.)

Anyway, here's a photograph that has become quite famous because it is the image used with the film for the poster:

It is a mocking jay. Mocking jays are used to good effect IN THIS FILM. I don't believe these things really exist because I have never eaten one. Find me a person that has and I will believe that they exist. 

This film has Jennifer Lawrence in it. She was also in X-Men: First Class and portrayed Mystiques therein. In this film, she is not blue. In real life, she goes out with Nicholas Holts, which is nice because in X-Men: First Vlass, both of their characters were blue, but neither one is blue in real life, as far as I'm aware. 

In this film, Jennifer Lawrence is called Katniss, but the way they say it, it sounds like Catness, which I take to mean there is an essence of cat about her. This is true, because at the beginning she is very good at hunting, like a cat, and there is a lot of talk about selling skwurls. We never see any skwurls, but I imagine they look something like this:

The fifty P represents a fifty P and can be used to get a good idea of scale. Jennifer Lawrence uses a bow and arrow, which a cat would not do, but she is still quite cat-like in terms of hunting.

Katniss volunteers to take part in the 74th Annual Hunger Games. When I first saw the adverts for this film, I naturally assumed that the contestants had to play a giant game of Hungry Hippos, because that's the only hunger game I could think of. However there is much more killing involved. Here is a photograph taken on set of some of the blood they used in the film. 

As you can see, there is a bit of bone in it. It is not real bone. It might be though, but I don't know. 

This is a really good film in a blockbuster kind of a way. I would definitely take my advice and eat the books first though, because the ending is open, which would make sense because the books come as a trilogy. You will certainly be HUNGRY for more.

I give it 8 skwurls out of 9 trees.

Preparations

I found out recently that one of my bestfriendsintheentireworldever is getting married in October, which you should all be pleased about because if not, you are dead inside.

My friend, Ashley, who cannot be named for legal reasons, lives in Maine, so me and Rachel, who you also don't know and cannot be named for legal reasons, can't be there to help with any preparations, which is a shame because we've planned approximately no weddings in our time and we were really good at it. So, to make up for it, I've done some lovely designs that my friend my like to consider for her special day and wanted to share them with you just in case anyone else wanted to commission me as a dress designer for their own wedding. The ones I'm presenting here are mostly tuned to Ash's tastes and desires, but are completely adaptable if you're reading this and think, "Hey, that would look GREAT on me, except for the colour, or the fabric"; don't worry, I can do other designs as well.

Anyways, here they are:

1. The Cherokee design. This is specific to Ash, because she is part Cherokee, but we could exchange to feathers for another material, such as cheese if you're a cheese farmer, or chainsaws if you're Leatherface.

2. The 70s design. Ashley really likes everything about the 70s, especially ABBA, so I've designed this dress to reflect that.

3. The Red Hot Chilli Pepper design. Again, this is quite specific to Ash, because she is really good friends with Anthony Kiedis; or at least she used to be, before he ran off with one of our other best friends, Becky Bucktooth, but I don't want to go into that right now, because it's too upsetting to relive the memories. 

The design would be suitable for ANY RHCP fan, and I can also design a matching outfit for the groom if required.

4. The Backstreet Boys design. Again, this would be suitable for any BSB fan. 

And that's all the designs I've managed to do so far. I'm really busy, but I've made time for this because Ash is important to me. However, as I've mentioned, I'm considering a career in wedding dress design, so if you like what you see, don't hesitate to get in touch. Similarly, pass my blog address along to any of your friends who might be getting married and we'll have a chat. 

Cheers guys, you the best! x

Fields of Goldfish

Helloit'sbeenawhileI'dliketoinviteyoutotakeajourneywithmeWillyoucome?

Excellent. So the other day I was eating quesadilla bought in a newfangled establishment known as a "restaurant". Quesadillas are packaged in hexagon shapes, and then cut up into pieces. A piece of quesadilla looks like this:

As you can see from its triangular shape, it is delicious. Here is a photograph of me eating a quesadilla:

Obviously I have eaten quesadillas before, that's why I have a photograph of myself immersed in that very activity. That's also how I know that they have bits of chopped up vegistible in them. For example:

Admittedly, the second photograph is of a chicken trying to masquerade as a vegetable. I included it because chicken is another option you may like to include in your quesadilla. You can also have onions or a cheese.

Anyway, when I was in the restaurant the other night, eating my quesadilla, including all the ingredients noted above, my evening was ruined by the appearance of a rogue assassin passing itself off as an onion. Never have I ever tasted anything so violent. It slashed my tongue to ribbons, embedded itself in the wounds then sewed them up with threads of onion taste so that I couldn't get rid of the flavour for THREE DAYS.

So I think the message we should all take away from this is, "FUCK OFF ONIONS."

...kinda feel mean towards the onion now...I guess he can stay...

Sigh. "Onion, you're so inappropriate! It appears you can't be trusted, be gone!"

And that's how I banished onions.

The End.

Young Pilgrims

I feel like it's been months since last I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life, but at the same time feel it was mere hours since I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life and yet it has been days since I sat down and wrote upon these ebony keys of my strange and fascinating life. The words and the ebony and the keys and the life and the range and the st and the fascin and the ating of it all has clouded about my head like some kind of cloud and now I can't piece anything together, as though my strange and fascinating life is a Victorian street scene depicting rather a to do over a baker who's spilled his rolls as a rowdy dog bounds past being chased by a stream of young urchins, printed onto and expanse of wood and cut into curious shapes with some kind of motorised cutting tool I can't quite remember the name of.

The scene is then placed into a plastic bag and sealed. The bag is then placed into a cardboard box and sealed with two slithers of a clear plastic adhesive, sticky on one side but not the other. The box with the bag in it with the scene in it is then shipped out to toy shops and wayfaring merchants who tout it to children as a means of improving their hand eye coordination. However, children can often slip into a simple-minded haze and forget entirely that the small pieces of scene they are holding in their hands are of vital importance to the scene as a whole and they eat them and the scene can never be complete.

It winds up in charity shops bearing the slogan, "Some Peices Missing" and everybody cries because "pieces" is spelt wrong and the scene can never be completed. Somebody buys it anyway, thinking it will be okay but they wind up completely, utterly, heartbreakingly disappointed when they invest hours of free time building the scene piece by piece only to find that the scene can never be completed.